Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Do you remember whose house we're in?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
