Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
