Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
