Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
