I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
