All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
