She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
