what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
