just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
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You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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