when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Tornado booty call.. dedication
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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