Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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