highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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