she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Randomize
