I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
