she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
