the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
