i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
