this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
