Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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