I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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