you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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