Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
