you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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