That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
