White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
