i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
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He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
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I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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