i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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