I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
