I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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