I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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