so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
