A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
