"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I fill condoms, not promises.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
