Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
