Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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