So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
