I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
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I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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