Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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