Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
They are going to name an STD after you.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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