Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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