She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
