she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I just had sex on a roof
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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