This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Randomize
