Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
