The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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