Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I checked into jail on foursquare
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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