I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
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Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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