ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
