I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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