I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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