turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Two words: nipple clamps
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