Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
