I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
