Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
