She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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