Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
