I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
